A great read into a look into fetishes/kinks and paraphilias we ALL have. Few eople feel weird, or disgusting, but educating yourself you will see it is a basic human need, especially in the bedroom ;)
"This is a subject we could all stand to know more about. Obviously I am not a psychologist or a medical expert of any kind; I’m just a woman with a spanking fetish who is researching official information on the subject on Google and including my own experiences and tips. I highly recommend visiting a sex-positive therapist, specifically a sex therapist, for a professional consult and to sort this stuff out if you or a loved one have a fetish or paraphilia.
But for a basic 101 on fetishes and paraphilia, here are some commonly asked questions and answers:
What do “fetish” and “paraphilia” mean? What does “kinky”/”freaky” mean?
A sexual fetish “specifically refers to a strong sexual preoccupation with an object, material, or body part,” according to The Kinsey Institute, who are sexual health experts at Indiana University. Examples of a fetish might be a person who is sexually turned on by feet, or silk, or high heels, or wearing women’s panties.
A fetish is a type of paraphilia. Paraphilia, according to the Kinsey Institute, “means compulsively responding in a sexual way to an unusual or socially acceptable stimulus.” Examples of paraphilia could be BDSM behavior and exhibitionism, although there are plenty of other examples.
“Kinky” is a more informal term that generally refers to any sexuality that’s atypical (whatever that means). People use the word kinky to describe stuff that’s even just a little out of their usual repertoire, like wearing fishnet stockings to bed once. Other people mean actual fetishes or paraphilias when they refer to kinks. I use the word “kink” or “kinky” rather casually; I learned from the women at the blog Madame Noire that a lot of Black people tend to use the term “freak” or “freaky” instead of “kink.” The lexicon may be different, but the general meanings are the same.
I have always referred to my main kink, which is being spanked, and being submissive to my partner, as my fetishes. Technically-speaking, however, my “spanking fetish” and my “submission fetish” are not fetishes, they are paraphilias. So even as I get angry at people misusing the word “fetish,” I’ve kinda been misusing it myself!
“Spanking fetish” is usually easier for people to understand, though, so I don’t see myself switching my description over to “spanking paraphilia” or “submission paraphilia” anytime soon. I also describe myself as “being submissive in bed” or “being submissive to a dominant partner,” although those descriptions are more vague.
And it should probably go without saying that all of this stuff is misunderstood often, even by people who should know better (ahem, Dr. Drew). It is a little confusing.
What does having a fetish mean behind the technical definition?
Everyone gets aroused by a confluence of factors — maybe it’s the sexy passage of the book you just read, plus the cute way your boyfriend’s hair is ruffled, plus the fact you’re already kinda horny because you haven’t had the Big O in a week. With all those factors present, you might roll right over in bed, get busy and have an orgasm, just like that.
But someone with a fetish strongly desires that something extra to get aroused. To say “need” might not be the right word, because it’s possible to get aroused by a confluence of other things sometimes, but they are most aroused, most desiring of, the object of their fetish. To take a word from the Kinsey Institute’s definition, the “preoccupation” part implies that the person needs to have the object of their fetish fulfilled in order to have the best possible enjoyment of their sexual release. It might seem strange to others that, say, a man has a fetish for wearing women’s underwear. But in the big picture of his sex life? It’s like getting the whipped cream and the chocolate sprinkles on his Frappucino. It just makes the whole event!
What does having a paraphilia mean beyond the technical definition?
It basically means the same thing as what a fetish means: you are most desiring of to the extent that you “compulsively,” as per the Kinsey definition, seek it out. You may not necessarily “need” it, because you are aroused by other things. But a paraphilia is what really turns your crank in order for you to feel fulfilled.
Some paraphilias are problematic. Clearly, a paraphilia for something like exhibitionism (getting off by being seen and/or exposing yourself to others) can get you in trouble if you do not follow the law. And a paraphilia like pedophilia (getting off from children) is straight-up illegal, not to mention mentally ill (more on that later in this piece).
I don’t want to skew negative here; not all paraphilias are criminal, not even close. But some paraphilias do really cause social/societal problems when acted upon — as evidenced by the fact that homosexuality was considered a paraphilia in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders until 1973. [Wonky information about the DSM's change on homosexuality here; more information about the DSM's criteria for exhibitionism here.]
Other paraphilias are benign and even kind of banal. My spanking paraphilia, for instance, simply means that I strongly desire it at all times, during all sex interactions ever. It’s really NBD for me because I’ve been doing it forever and suspect that I always will.
For me personally, I would call my paraphilia a “need,” an actual need. While I don’t need to actually get spanked in order to build up to orgasm, I do need to fantasize about it. And that’s what I do, both with partnersex or while masturbating. Occasionally I’ll fantasize about other stuff while masturbating, but I have never, ever not thought about spanking. I know that might seem strange, but it’s the only thing I’ve ever known.
How do you figure out you have a fetish or a paraphilia?
Here again I can speak from personal experience: it varies. Some people know from childhood, some people figure it out in adulthood. It would be lovely if we were instantly aware of what sexually turns us on upon, say, puberty. The reality is that our kinks and sexual quirks often remain hidden for a long time out of fear or guilt or just plain lack of awareness that your fetish is an actual thing other people out there do and it’s okay.
In my case, I was aware of my strong sexual predilection all the way back into childhood, although because I was a kid I had no idea at the time it was sexual. I thought about spanking, was fascinated when spanking was on TV (like in old episodes of “I Love Lucy”) and looked up the word in the dictionary. As a kid, I would even fantasize about imaginary, over-the-top punishment scenarios, like getting tied to a fence in the backyard. It wasn’t until post-pubescence/adulthood that I realized, “Oh, I used to think about punishment stuff not because I was a total nut job, but because I’m into S&M!”
But I sure felt like a total weirdo as a kid (before the Internet, obviously) and I still do today sometimes. For example, I don’t always feel accepted or supported by other feminists for my kink (or my kink awareness advocacy). And so do a lot of folks in their own peer groups. That is why some people don’t learn about their own fetishes or paraphilias until adulthood when they’ve finally found an accepting partner and/or culture. Sadly, it takes some people decades to figure out their sexual kinks, accept and explore them. And sadly, there are folks who are persecuted for their consensual kinks.
I would recommend FetLife, the social network/dating website for people with fetishes, as a place to poke around if you want to find folks with your kinks.
But some this stuff is all kind of weird, right? Like, people should understand it’s not the easiest to talk about.
Yes and no. “Weird” is relative. I think it’s “weird” that some religious folks, for example, wait until marriage to have have sex for the first time. Who does that?!?! Why would anyone do that?!?! No one I know only has sex with one person at all, ever, that except for my few evangelical Christian acquaintances. And yet … I have a close girl friend who is into spanking about as much as I am and we talk openly about this stuff, sharing videos and photos and personal stories the same way we talk about, like, yoga. Ditto with an ex-boyfriend of mine who was kinky. We could talk about it — and do it — without skipping a beat. Neither I, nor the evangelical Christians, are “weird.” We’re just doing things that other people who don’t do the same thing may have judgmental opinions about.
However, I would be lying if I didn’t admit fetishes and paraphilia cause weird situations. They do. Try having a roommate sleeping on the other side of a thin wall when you’ve got a spanking fetish. (My roommate — hi, Lauren! — was hella cool and accepting when I finally told her about my kink. Now I just generally tell her if I’m going to have a dude over so she knows there will be loud noises and she may want to vacate the apartment.) Try having to explain why, as a single straight man, you have a drawer filled with women’s panties. Try having partner after partner who won’t let you kiss/rub/fuck their feet and as result, you cannot orgasm.
All that being said, people with these kinks get used to these situations over time and get comfortable — more or less — addressing them. I am a super direct person with everyone always, so I just come out and say shit. Over time, weird situations that come up are weird for the other person, not for me; I imagine that’s how it goes with others, too. The New York Times ran a “Modern Love” essay about this topic recently...
Additionally, you can read more about how to ask for what you want/initiate what you want in post I wrote here and here."
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