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Sunday, July 19, 2015

“She called those who commit suicide cowardly .....That fear is not failure. That fear is your heart, still beating, that fear is your lungs, still breathing, that fear is your bones, still ready to pick you up from the bottom and carry you to safety, that fear is your entire system rejecting the idea that you are unable to survive any longer, that fear is the primal part of your brain echoing through your nervous system just one whisper of desperation: stay. Stay. Stay."

“She called those who commit suicide cowardly and
I couldn’t breathe for a second because
In the bathtub of a hotel room, a 4.0 student broke open her veins and planted death where the skin split and lay with her head as far under the water as it could get but
the fear of the end
got too be too strong and she called for help and
it was cowardice that saved her, wasn’t it
and in the livingroom of his rich parents,
the football star sits and stares at the gun in his hands and thinks about just clicking the bullet into place
and finally getting this all over with but
he can’t stop wondering if this is really for the best, he can’t
stop the panic that rises when he thinks about the blackness,
he can’t stop the thought of making his girlfriend cry
until she collapses -
so he puts the gun down and leaves it, carries the idea of how incredibly soft he must be
if he couldn’t just do that one last thing
I am more grateful to fear than I am to any other emotion. It has stopped the untimely end of so many of my loved ones. It has been the only wall between them and a headstone. It has been proof they are unfinished - it is their body rejecting the idea that they are unworthy



because that fear? That fear is not failure. That fear is your heart, still beating, that fear is your lungs, still breathing, that fear is your bones, still ready to pick you up from the bottom and carry you to safety, that fear is your entire system rejecting the idea that you are unable to survive any longer, that fear is the primal part of your brain echoing through your nervous system just one whisper of desperation: stay. Stay. Stay. You are still capable of so much and so many good things. That fear is your heart, and she is waiting for you to remember love. That fear is your lungs, and they are still filling with hope every time you inhale. That fear is your bones and your skeleton, and he is so happy that you are the soul that came to inhabit him. You are electricity, you are synaptic connections, you are a beautiful creation of science and heaven, you are human - and some part of you wants to stay here, on this good earth where grass is still green and the sun still makes freckles on the faces of the people who turn to her and the moon still makes sure you’re tucked in sleeping and cities are still full of people kissing and you are still capable of dreaming
so take the biggest risk there is
put down the blade, my love,
go out and live."

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