Today I’m thinking about the Myspace days of the Secret Internet Fatty and how that made me feel like if people knew how fat I was (or that I was fat at all), they wouldn’t like me, and how that is because I grew up with not many friends. I’m thinking about how that was because I was targeted a lot for bullying because of my size and because of the queerness I was never able to hide, as much as I wanted to. I’m thinking about how I’ve grown into a beautiful, confident and lovable adult who still has trouble receiving that love because the experiences of my childhood still trick me into believing that any love I might receive is fake, is a joke, is a misunderstanding. I’m thinking about how this play is doing so much work to create the world I needed when I was younger. I’m thinking about the not fat friends of mine who are shocked and outraged by this, and how I might have been years ago, but for now this is just par for the course. I’m thinking about how fucking difficult this world is to live in and the sisters who aren’t here anymore because of that. I’m thinking about the people who love me, and have loved me, and are still scared of my body. I’m thinking about how many people—fat and not fat— have sent me messages on the internet or stopped me in public to tell me how much they value and appreciate the things that I do. I’m thinking about the radical potential of public vulnerability and the self-disciplining mechanisms that prevent us from being close to one another and to our selves. I’m thinking about the fat people who were able to show love to themselves and in turn, show me how to love myself, and how grateful I feel that so many of those people are in my life today. I’m thinking about how every day for me is full of pain and sorrow and anger and fire and laughter and joy and resistance. I’m thinking about how fat hatred is insidious, and how it is a Hydra. I’m thinking about this is merely the latest incarnation of centuries of people attempting to discipline fat people for daring to live unapologetically. I’m thinking about how the ways in which we think about bodies are defined by legacies of colonialism and white supremacy. I’m thinking about how this isn’t the first and it won’t be the last and it was here before me and it will be here after me. I’m thinking about how this is why we do what we do. I’m thinking about how we are a threat, about how powerful that is. I’m thinking about how we’re not stopping.
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