"We all know the madonna whore/complex where guys separate girls into two categories:
a)Good girls (wife) to bring to mom
b)bad girls (mistresses) to have kinky sex with
i.e. wholesome girls and kinky freaks.
It is in our human tendency to categorize and to label things in our life to get some sens of control over our choices by rationalizing our decisions. although mystery , unpredictability and the "unknown" create excitement we feel "lost" and afraid (vulnerable) because we we cannot figure someone out and cannot place him in a box.
This M/W complex can affect how a guy relates to women because a large number of women fall somewhere in the middle.
However, I have noticed that women have the same complex as well where they categories guys into:
a) Perfect gentlemen: a good provider, someone who is always there for her, he is too understanding, he puts up with her emotional ups and downs and moodiness, he respects her highly, he is very polite and well mannered. He loves her unconditionally. he is stable and gives a women comfort by giving her some sens of control
B) mysterious/challenging guy: this guy is very exciting, bold, provocative, lives an unconventional and unpredictable life, lives in the moment, is very passionate and knows how to stir her erotic desires and makes her feel out of control when she is with him.
He is indifferent to how he is being perceived by others and he marches unapologetically to the beat of his own drum. he is in a way emotionally unattainable as he can leave any time (the love them and leave em type of guy).
women often say they love Type A but they take his love for granted while they feel an uncontrollable lust for type B.
Zan says that a Natural should incorporate the positive traits of the 2 types and discard their negative traits...
like men are in love with 2 women in their lives (the wholesome madonna and the kinky freak), women are also in love with 2 men (the secure and safe guy and the Dangerous and exciting wild guy)
I feel that men and women have the same dichotomy as Freud said: "where they love they cannot desire and where they desire they cannot love".
Which bring me to the point that actually these 2 types A and B can over lap as a guy could marry a women whom he has kinky sex with only to stop after she gives birth to his children and he starts respecting her too much and sees her in a "motherly" and non sexual way and starts taking her for granted.
Same thing with the women who chases the "wild lover" only to loose interest in him once she's got him. ex: It's the story where the women gets the amateur rock star to commit to her and when he relents and stops hanging out late at night with groupies, sells his harley and becomes an accountant to adequately provide for his family and her, she takes his love for granted and cheats on him with another rockstar!
so at the end, it's all a question of Passion and Erotic desire, how can one keep the passion and desire going in his relationship when one settles down and starts a family?
Another psychologist Stephen Mitchell tried to explain this Schism between Love and Desire in his book (can love last?) is that in the beginning of the relationship we feel uninhibited lust and desire towards our partner but then when we start falling in love (i.e. getting attached and comfortable) lust and erotic desire becomes too dangerous because we start feeling afraid of being left alone and heartbroken by someone we love, so we "kill" the passion and look for it somewhere else and we try to love someone but lust after another. (it's like putting all your eggs in one basket (i.e. person) ).
Zan gave an accurate description of this in his 7 stages of a relationship...but what is the solution? how can one Love (being attached) and desire (passion) at the same time?
why do people usually take for granted other who love them unconditionally?
is the problem maybe when one is loved unconditionally he starts to take the other person for granted because he rationalizes and puts up with his "baggage"? Desire is not conditional because it is an emotion and it can go any moment, which in my opinion is why people crave it and when they have it, they want to devour it while it lasts...could it be that if we make love conditional people will respect it and value it more because it is not given for free?
Is it that women want a perfect gentlmen but who loves them conditionally i.e. he stands up to them by not taking all of their "crap" (being assertive) and challenges them by not shying away from confrontation (not being afraid of rocking the boat) and if push comes to shove he will leave.
Michelle langley says that a solution could be to create longing and to find the right balance so as it does not become neglect, and to be in the moment and alive (instead of going on autopilot) when we are with our significant other.
how can attachment coexist with passion without them being blurred? in other word can your significant other be your best friend and your lover at the same time?
Michelle langley write that women consider love as emotion (and emotions come and go) while men consider love as a commitment which is why they seem "distant" at first, which is she hypothesis that women when they feel passionate for someone (lust) they think they love him and the lines are blurred...she says this might be because of conditioning because since childhood women have been taught that thy should only sleep with someone they truly love. "
See the enitre female version of madonna/whore complex