"Upon taking the vows of marriage, most all couples believe their
relationship will withstand the test of time. In reality, about 40-45
percent of all marriages will end in divorce, according to an Associated
Press estimate.
Is your longing for uncertainty making your marriage feel like an uphill climb?
Why is it that so many marriages end in divorce? The reasons are often complex and varied, including such things as:
Money troubles
Lack of communication
Needs not being met
Infidelity
Changes in attitude/interest
Yet,
ironically, love, or lack of it, is often not on that list at all. And
many couples still love each other when they decide to get divorced.
The
reason this is has to do with hidden mental and emotional drivers that
even most psychologists don’t tell you about, or are unaware of
themselves.
Certainty Vs. Uncertainty: The Hidden Cause of Many Divorces
When
we have great "certainty" there is an urge for most of us to seek
“uncertainty.” In the case of marriage, your “certainty” quotient is
filled; your relationship steady and secure.
Yet, for many of us
this potentially good feeling turns into boredom and staleness, and
invokes a sense of not being fully alive or excited any longer. This
then drives us to seek the other end of the spectrum, or look for
“uncertainty.”
By seeking uncertainty, we are looking to fulfill that unmet need for excitement, which may include:
An affair
Thinking or fantasizing about cheating on your spouse
Immersing yourself in new hobbies that don’t involve your spouse
Changing your attitudes or interests to invoke more excitement in your life
All of these factors have the potential to wreck a marriage, but they need not.
Why?
Because when you realize the dynamics of certainty vs. uncertainty --
and the fact that we often seek out that which we do not have -- you can
take steps to remedy the situation before you engage in an activity
that harms your marriage.
To put it another way, when we have
great certainty we’re willing to take greater risks in order to achieve a
certain level of uncertainty (such as having an affair), but if we are
living with great uncertainty suddenly even the smallest of risks seems
like too much.
The bottom line is that if you decide to cross
that line and go back to living in uncertainty, suddenly you will likely
start longing again for the certainty you once had.
The solution
is to acknowledge that you may be seeking out that which you do not
have, and instead learn to embrace the present moment, including your
marriage, and savor it exactly as it is now.
How to Live in the Moment and Make Your Marriage Last
To
start enjoying your life, and your relationship, right now, first focus
on living in the present, feeling neither regret for past events nor
fear or anxiety about the future.
Next, choose to have a positive
attitude about your marriage. You control how you view your situation
and whether you perceive it negatively or positively. So if negative
thoughts enter your mind, do not give them any attention. Instead, focus
on the many good things in your life and relationship and be grateful
for what you have, especially the things you may take for granted about
your spouse.
Of course, in order for any marriage to succeed,
both partners must be willing to put in the effort needed to keep things
fresh, fair and fulfilling. So if you hit a snag along the way, and
most people do, the following tips from respected marriage researcher
Dr. John Gottman, author of The Relationship Cure, can help to keep your
marriage strong … and help you avoid an unnecessary divorce, along with
some of the things our SixWise founder has found to be successful.
If you're having problems, seek help right away. The average couple
waits six years before seeking marital counseling, according to Gottman,
which means they're living unhappily for far too long.
Keep critical things to yourself. "Editing yourself" sometimes is a key secret of happy couples.
Talk about your problems, but do so gently and without blame. Starting a
discussion with criticism or accusation is a surefire way to escalate
the conflict.
Men, accept influence from your wife. According
to Gottman, a marriage can only be successful if a man can listen to
and is willing to be influenced by his wife. Why? Studies show that most
women easily accept influence from men, so a "true partnership" can
only be formed if the man can also do this.
Don't accept
hurtful behavior. Having high standards of how you expect to be treated
helps couples stay happy in the long run. Listen to your partner’s
issues, concerns and challenges taking responsibility for your actions.
When having made a mistake stating what you should have done and will do
in the future neutralizes most issues.
Don't let arguments get out of control:
Consider agreeing in the good times to always hold hands softly and
tenderly while discussing any point or issue, even during arguments.
This keeps most people positively connected and keeps them from raising
their voices or tempers.
Note: If there is physical abuse
that does not make this possible then you may need to consider getting
professional help right away.
The happiest couples are those who can repair an argument by:
Seeking to understanding your partner’s perspective
Not trying to control your partner but rather respecting and empowering them by allowing them to be heard
Allowing them to be who they are and loving them more for all their
unique differences than even their similarities to your strengths.
Accepting those things you might see differently --including things you
might not completely agree with -- makes it more likely you’ll be
blessed with appreciation and respect for one another for many decades
to come.
“Loving one’s spouse more for their
weaknesses than their strengths is difficult, but an effort that
displaces most annoyances and frivolous frustrations that otherwise
build and escalate. This I learned from my Mother,” says John Longstreet
Dearlove SixWise CEO. “Make a fresh start every day renewing your
relationship in respectful loving ways.”
Share your
gratitude for other’s differences. If you do things or see things
differently then consider the possibility that this might just be what
brought you two together. Don’t allow what brought you together to break
you apart due to disrespecting each other’s different strengths. One’s
strengths often complements the other’s weaknesses, so complement and
express appreciation for those strengths your partner supports you with
and ask them to do so with you when you support them with your
strengths.
Focus first on the positive. Begin any topic
or constructive criticism by first stating a positive meaningful
complement or comment about your partner or partner's related behavior
or strengths before sharing your issue(s). And have a positive statement
to end on. This places them in a more open-minded state and gives a
sense of being appreciated vs. being attacked.
Openly
address the topics raised and / or identify and address the underlying
issues as they surface, saying something caring plus state and
demonstrate how you will contribute to making the relationship stronger.
Share and try to look at the humorous side in ways that are positive
and supportive of each other (not demeaning humor at the expense of the
other) to calm matters down.
Let it go (by backing down, showing understanding or letting your partner know that you're in it together).
Admitting to being wrong might be worth more to you than being right and alone without the person you love.
Stay together by saying positive loving things about the other to others and to each other.
“Couples
in happy marriages make at least five times as many positive statements
about their relationship than negative ones -- even while talking about
a problem,” according to Gottman."
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